Unequipped

    Having a son suspected to have a rare neurological disorder puts you into a sort of research frenzy. While I definitely believe you can have too much information, I would much rather be over informed that naive when it comes to my kids. Over the last few months, I have Googled anything that I can think of in relation to what's going on with Levi. While overall it has been very helpful and I'm glad to have more information, it also left me with a sense of helplessness.  I so badly want to help Levi and give him everything that he needs to begin this path to speaking, but I am left feeling so very unequipped. I don't know the first thing about neurology, speech therapy, developmental disorders, let alone how to treat things within these fields.  A huge part of Apraxia is getting lots and lots of therapy, which we are now doing four times a week, but to keep the process moving along, much reinforcement needs to be done at home.

     Apraxia is very one step forward, two steps back.  In therapy sessions, Levi will play for a minute or two, and then the timer goes off and its work time. He needs to repeat five sounds for the therapist and then he can go back to playing. This time is so encouraging, but also sobering. Levi will try and try to repeat these sounds.... Baa for example. Levi can say /b/ and /a/, but putting them together is a challenge and does not come naturally. His work time goes like this: he gets prompted to make the /ba/ combo and maybe after five attempts succeeds. He then can repeat it a second time perhaps immediately. Yes, progress!  Maybe he's getting it?!  So, he goes and plays, the timer goes off, and he's in the chair again. And we go back to /ba/.  With no luck. He will look at the therapist, study his lips, make an attempt, and just cannot do it. Frustration sets in, Levi starts squirming and trying to leave the chair, and we go back to trying to get the /b/ sound out of him again and wait to try /ba/ another day. One step forward, then quickly it's gone.

     On Monday I asked the therapist if this is normal, and he assured me that with motor planning disorders such as Levi's, it is. It's a long road. One that is best done with 95% of the work done at home. He gave me pointers on what to do to get in some more repetition with Levi without wearing him out, but I still was left feeling entirely unequipped. I want to figure out what's best for him, do what's best for him, and provide the best environment for him to thrive in, yet I can barely get through a day keeping three kids in line, scrubbing my toilets, helping my husband, putting three meals on the table, making sure homework's done and kids are at practice on time, etc. etc. etc. Unequipped. I am just one woman, and my first name isn't Wonder. And as this word unequipped kept popping into my head, thankfully a verse that had been planted there long before popped in after it. "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17.

Levi, one week old.

      I am equipped!  Through Christ, the Bible, and the Holy Spirit, God has provided everything that I need to handle what he has put before me. Alone, no I cannot handle this all... not even close! But my faith in God allows me to trust that his word is true and his word tells me that I am equipped for every good work. Not just the works that I expected to have in my life, laundry, meals, cleaning, childcare, but every good work, including speech therapy, neurologist in training, and toddler mind reading (thankfully toddler boy minds mainly involve food, sleep, and trucks). So, I was and am encouraged. No, my dumb mind alone, cannot handle this, but God intercedes, giving me the strength and wisdom to do the good that he would have me do. And that's amazing.

     I was also encouraged this week as a was reminded that God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). That doesn't mean he gives out grace on those who don't think they need it. He gives it out, yes, but when we see that we cannot do it on our own! And what a great place that is to be. I cannot handle this on my own! Overwhelmed, for sure, but what does that feeling make me do, but turn to my Savior who gladly takes my burden.  The all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God takes my burden in his perfect care. I have no reason to worry! And I receive grace. Wow, do I praise God for that. So, I am thankful. Not for my circumstances, but for where they bring me, which is at the throne of God, humble, knowing that I cannot handle this, but that he has and will.